200 years ago people said a black man would be president when pigs fly… on the 100th day of administration, we’re dealing with swine flu.

Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

Can I borrow your underpants for ten minutes?

What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.

He was from my village. He was the village idiot!

I love the smell of napalm in the morning…smells like…victory.

Love is blind — marriage is the eye-opener.

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.

Getting Kicked in the nuts hurts alot more than delivering a baby

 One day my dad who sits on the couch all day asks me what are you doing with your life and i say same thing you are.

I’ll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We’re not afraid of them.

Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look.

Love is like a game of chess: One false move and you’re mated.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

The family seems to have two predominant functions: to provide warmth and love in time of need and to drive each other insane.

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.

Forgive those who hurt you , but break their heads if they do it again!

It’s hard to pull your foot out of your mouth… …when your head is up your ass.

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn’t explain away afterwards.

One thing you can’t recycle is wasted time.

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It’s my world, you all just live in it.

I didnt call you an idiot you dumbass!!

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

To the two secrets to a long-lasting happy marriage: Here’s to good sense of humor - and a short memory!